Why should we not blame the government? They knew the storm was coming. They knew it was super typhoon. It has been aired in every local television channels. Even before it enters in PAR. We all knew. They said they are prepared and yet there are still thousands of people starving in Day 5. Dead bodies are still scattered until today, almost a week after. Where is the strategy? Where is the plan? Where is the president? I couldn't find readiness in all this. I am very sad and disappointed with this government. I dont know I am not very smart but i definitely know the OBVIOUS.

I carefully waited for my phone to illuminate with your name and the words that I want to hear. I waited, as my body worked itself up a mountain with images of your smile waiting around every corner, and memories of your soft touch guiding me along my uneven path. I waited, as I filled my mind with these visions of you, as I grew closer to the top. I tip-toed up to the peak as I waited. I felt myself wobble. I waited. I waited longer.

I still wait.

After 2 years of waiting and wanting, I feel myself slowly descending into a canyon of what can only be described as complete self doubt, confusion, and rejection. But as I am falling, I hear a familiar tone, accompanied by your name in lights. ”Hey, we should get together, soon.” I feel a small hitch on my right ankle. My leg keeps me hanging in the translucent air, floating around in circles amid the foggy questions of the last year. I think back to previous conversations, ”I'll make it up to you. Just give me sometime. Soon, i promise.” I feel a slight pressure relieved from my right side as a slew of strings and memories creep their way out of the clouds and drag my entire body—feet first—back up to rocky ground. I feel those four letters squeeze me tight, imprinting themselves onto my arms, and seeping through my skin before I can object. My veins are suddenly saturated with a message of belonging again, a feeling of being needed. Being wanted. As these fabrications flow through my bloodstream, throughout my mind and body, they reach their final destination. My heart.

Your safety net saves you from commitment;

Mine saves me from disappointment. From reality.

So what is it about this word that I love so much? Maybe it is the vision of a future with you that it paints in my head. Maybe it is the daydreams that follow every time it appears upon the screen of my phone.

Or maybe, just maybe, it is the flash of hope that tells me that I might get over and move on from those bad years, soon.

Please, just, soon

You always used to tell me:
Every story needs an ending, Jen. That’s just the rule.

But what if it’s not ready to end? Or it is, but, it’s not really sure how?
Why can’t a story just go on a hiatus, or take a sabbatical? Can’t it just use some of its paid vacation days or go on a pregnancy leave—it’s trying to birth something anyway, isn’t it?

And I’ll remind you that some stories end with a To Be Continued. Some stories even have sequels!
Look at the boy with the lightning bolt scar on his head. He got 7 fat books AND a movie deal before his rendezvous was over.
Can’t we carry this one on a bit longer? You can even change the plot. How about in the next book, we leave the fights over stained dishes in the sink and who is going to pay the electrical bill this month behind and go on a wild vacation to Costa Rica. We’ll spend the first 37 pages jumping off cliffs and zip lining through the rainforest. We’ll get matching Henna tattoos right above our elbows and stay up all night picking off the scars of our childhood and drinking fruity wine out of jars. You’ll kiss me before sunrise, before high tide, before it all has to end.
If you stare at words long enough, they become so unfamiliar and bizarre. Same with people.
Jen, I just don’t—uh—feel the same—you know—way about you anymore.

And that’s how our story will end. It has to. Because you can’t write a love story about one person, just like you can’t keep a relationship going when only one person is in love. That’s just the rule.

Thought Catalog

Having little, to no motivation left me feeling somewhat out of control; that feeling of bewilderment where everything you have done should fall into place but doesn’t, and leaves no direction at all.
From a very early age I was always accepting of my life and I believe that must have given me some form of control over my problems. Maybe the pleasing side of me I have spoken about previously, allowed me to be accepting; because I learned not to challenge.
One thing I know now though, is that I cannot always be in control and that is something I have come to accept. I think that has helped me deal with CP, because I know that I cannot change it. It is who I am.
I also know that I had to come to terms with other people and their attitudes and have accepted that too, as part of my spiritual growth and fulfillment. I can only change myself and although others should have done the same for themselves, it wasn’t for me to ask them to change.
I have adapted into my ‘new life’ away from the spotlight of family and understand my journey better than I did before. Today I feel a little brighter, slightly more motivated, calmer and more relaxed and back in control of my thoughts. I will be back on the site tomorrow with more.

I realized that what is there to look for in this life is very broad statement, and there are few things I can respond about this question making it more specific for everyone to easily understand what I mean.

"Achievement".. Something that one has accomplished with all efforts and skill, and if he/she gets lucky, gets recognized for the hard work. Most people get contented after accomplishing one challenge while some are not. Some are greedy of success, while others are well complacent being the average. So either any of which, we aren't excused from the question. We may ignore the answer for now, yet hell no way you can escape from the question because one or the other is who we are.
The better question is "what do you expect yourself to do after this achievement?"

"Contentment".. This is the state of being satisfied for what you have. It is very unnatural and unbelievable for someone to say that he is contented of who he/she is and what he/she has. Reality check:  We are always one step head of ourselves. We think of tomorrow while we are living today. We are scared, or if not, worried that is why we work hard to create visions of our future. You are not human if you deny this truth in any form :)

"Happiness".. The emotional state of being happy associated with pleasure, joy and contentment. What is there to look for when you are happy? I say, "eternal happiness." I know I am happy and smiling, but I also know that I can't be happy at all times. We don't have one emotion alone, but it is always our choice to be happy. Question is, can we all endure pain and manage to smile while getting severely hurt?


What is there really to look forward to when you are already successful, rich and famous, and happy?
Remember, we always want "MORE."

The rain keeps pouring, and we are confronted with two choices : feel good or bad just as when we are in loved with whomsoever there is to be in loved with. The feeling of love and the act of loving may either make or break us, and it's a matter of choice and decision whether or not to let ourselves be drowned to its mysterious nature. Most of us regret when we end a relationship as a failure and reason out to our best, that we could have done something better to save the relationship, so we could avoid pain and guilt. But that could have been a choice, yet we only ignored it or perhaps did not see. I have been trying to gather my thoughts, thinking the reasons of not having a perfect relationship. Then i figured out that people are imperfect and they can never be no matter how they want it which same as to any relationship they have with someone. Expect some flaws, imperfections etc. Though we strive hard, and that's what matters. There must've been no reasons of feeling hurt... Only if we know how to constantly accept.

Find a girl who writes. Find a girl who has no idea where she is going in life because the only thing she understands about the world is that sometimes if you put one beautiful word beside another beautiful word you can create a beautiful sentence that melds into beautiful chapters of beautiful books that might change at least one person’s life. Find a girl who lives for that one person, the one person that will read her beautiful words and feel a sudden lightness on their shoulders. Find a girl who works at a job she hates so she can do the thing she loves. Find a girl who knows sacrifice.

Find a girl who makes it hard to love her Find a girl who demands the best because its all her romance-riddled mind can comprehend. Build her a castle in the sky, move a mountain for her, smile and nod when she tells you she wants to run away to find the wild places that still exist in the world. Take her hand and lead her. Lead her through deserts and cities and forests until she grows homesick for a place she never even called home. Watch her as she takes in a sunset. Watch her lips move and her brow furrow as she fails to find words to describe it. Wrap your arms around her from behind and whisper in her ear that maybe this once words have failed her and that’s OK. Let her cry into your jacket as she is overcome with the vastness of the world. Offer to drive home so she can stare out the window as the sound of her favorite indie band you’ve always found depressing rolls through the car. Give her space when you get home so she can lock herself away in a room, still trying to describe the sunset that will forever beat at the back of her brain, demanding beautiful words. Walk in to find her asleep at her desk. Clean up the paper that litters the floor and wash the ink stains from her fingers. Know that this will never pass. Accept that the sunset will never leave her and learn to be OK with it like she will have to.

Have her make a list of cliches she absolutely hates. Listen to her rant about the unoriginality of it all. Watch her hands move through the air in a fury as she tells you how kissing in the rain only leads to pneumonia and throwing rocks at someone’s window usually just brings broken glass. Go back through her writing trying to find one. Fail. She has never written one. And never will.

Kiss her in the rain. Throw rocks at her window. Send her a message in a bottle. Tell her you were a different man before you met her. Give her flowers on Valentine’s Day even if she tells you that the holiday was made up to sell greeting cards. Lie down in the middle of the street to look at the stars. Have a picnic at the park. Candlelit dinner. Win her a stuffed animal at the fair.

Watch her head cock to the side and her nose crinkle the way it does when she’s happy but doesn’t want to admit it. Watch her roll her eyes. Pretend to busy yourself with opening a champagne bottle but really take in her face. Watch her eyes roll over the scene as she tries to burn every detail into her brain. Watch her lips move and her brow furrow as she fails to find words to describe it. Wrap your arms around her from behind and whisper in her ear that maybe this once she has failed to find the words to paint the scene that has been painted over and over before.

Find a girl with a vocabulary. Find a girl that knows metaphor. Find a girl that tells you what you want to hear in a way you’ve never heard it before.

Accept that this girl will never forget an ex-boyfriend, or an old friend, or a childhood home, or a family pet, or the grief that stole her away once before and will not fail to take her away again. Accept that her heart forgets nothing and the only way she can soothe the ache is to bleed. Make sure paper is never scarce. Make sure pencils and pens litter the kitchen counters. Get used to the clicking of computer keys at 3am.

Build this girl a bookshelf. Build her another. And another. Build her bookshelves until she is too old to read the words of her favorite books then continue to build them. Stack these shelves with the things she has written. Fill the shelves with her published work then keep going. Track down every essay, every short story, every novel, every poem she has written. Find unfinished manuscripts she’s kept hidden in a box in the attic. Stumble upon story ideas on napkins. Fill the shelves with every beautiful word she has let bleed from her fingers to paper. Fill the shelves with her life and the lives of the people only she knows.

Lead her to this shelf. Tell her that she has done it. Tell her she has put together beautiful words to create beautiful sentences. Try to describe the feeling you get when you wake up next to her every morning. Try to explain what it is about her that you love. Struggle to find the words that have somehow gotten stuck in the empty spaces of your brain. Accept that for once, words have failed you, not matter how simple the words you use are. Settle for this simple you know so well. Tell her that there is a lightness on your shoulders. Tell her that her beautiful sentences have changed your life.

~thought catalog

Yesterday's answer to the boyfriend's question.

I don't know what made me write today. And i don't know how to start so id probably write anything thats on my mind and maybe later on ill find my way to a nice and pleasing entry.

It all started with one word, one word that always change my mood. For the past couple of weeks i was greatly happy and loved. The feeling of belonging, of being wanted and needed. I felt whole again. Until tonight, her name echoed in the room over dinner, oh please not again.

Its hard to move on, because I'm fighting against his past and not mine which i cant control. What hurts me time and again is that knowing i was the first one, it was me but he choose not to pursue me and continue with her.

Im still human, i can feel the pain. The fear of losing the one i wanted, the one I loved the most. The one that brought me so much joy.

When you realized that you got over the drama, hold on to it. I know I am okay now. I took his advice, not to look back, that what matter is now. Me and him. I trust him but maybe I should learn to add a little bit more. It will always the fear that holds that scoop of trust in me. Until that one move. One last move.

I love you, dearest. Ill always remember your words "there maybe bumbs along the way but we're certainly going there."
And please always remember too that you are my now, my present and im looking forward to being with you til the end of eternity, i mean forever.

Profoundly happy kitty.

PS: Im a little grateful about you being jealous. Hihi. You look cute bebe.

Valentines day is way way far but I feel slightly compelled to write an entry relating to the occasion brought upon by mah emotions mah hopz n mah dreamz.

Next to my birthday, Valentine’s Day is my favorite unofficial holiday, and I never quite understood how some people can be so bitter when it comes to this day. Really, people, if you’re looking for an unofficial holiday to hate, go hate that week that comes after Christmas.

As I am thinking of this day,  I don’t think I’ve ever spent a single Valentine’s Day with a significant other. Like seriously.

I have a very light memory of  my past Valentines days except this year. Pretty much sucked BIG TIME.Or perhaps it’s just me being too needy and clingy and helpless. I must have had ten beers that night on an almost empty stomach but I still had my wits with me when I cabbed it home at 5 in the morning. It’s hard to get drunk drunk when you’re always on your feet. The aftermath is always horrible, though, and I woke up with a beer gut that would put a college fratman to shame. I don’t regret the beer, I regret the meal I wolfed down before I went to bed. And the two meals I once again had, immediately after waking up. All I can do is sigh and make a half-empty promise to myself not to do it again. Right.

I really should learn how to control my alcohol intake but in the company of nutty friends and a broken heart, I tend to let go.


And now when I think about it, I have absolutely nothing to moan about in the love department. And there’s really nothing for me to be sore about: I’m in a wonderful relationship *spakle* *spakle* with a wonderful man (who treats me like a spoiled brat).

PS: Im crossing my fingers for next year. Please Lord let it be the first with the lover.

I leave you with a qoutation quite fitting today.

Don't let yesterday make you forget all the happiness you deserve today.

Lover: Bebe, I don't think I can sleep.
Me: Why, bebelove?
Lover: I don't know. I need your hug.
Me: Hahaha. you're lucky that you're pogee. Come here bebe.
- minutes later. -
Lover: *snores*
Me: Bebekoy?
Lover: *snores*
Me: Hahaha.Your snores are cute. I love watching you sleep. I really love you. I really do. Sometimes I might show that I don't give a fuck. But I do. I never want to lose you. I know it's cheesy, but this is how I feel. You are the answer to my prayers, Bebe. This is REAL. I know I'm not the best thing out there, but I'm trying to be one of your best ever. Thank you bebelove, thank you for choosing a messed up girl like me to be your girlfriend. Thank you for being mine. I honestly can't see myself with anyone else but you. I know I say 'I love you too' many times, but each time I say it, my feeling grows more and more for you. Thanks for listening, bebekoy. I wont be tired of loving you. I love you till life ever after. I won't let the bed bugs bite you. Goodnight, my love,sweet dreams.

I was afraid to be forgotten, yeah, that's really what it was. I was afraid to be unwanted and not needed, but then as it turned out over time, I was right. I faced my fears, my very own convictions and pushed through with my aspirations; the only people who never left are those whom I learned to treasure the most and that fact made me realize one very important lesson:

Life will always be in black and white, but to have true friends around you who will always be there and will never even think of leaving you is another story so as to say. They don't paint your world with all these magnificent colors; they are the colors and you're still the painter of your life; however you use them, mix them up and build greater horizons is entirely up to you.

People change and that's all to it. Colors, if not pure and true will always fade away with time.

I have been meaning to write this list for a couple of weeks now, hoping for some help from the boyfriend (Lord knows I find excuses for my flaws that I am aware of)
So here.

1. I am incredibly needy and clingy, like Bella Cullen. Oh yes, I just compared myself to one of the most annoying characters to have ever been written. It’s all true, too.

2. I smoke and drink a lot and it’s going to be a hard habit to quit (which I will get around to, eventually. I’ve managed to cut down smoking, though, so yay me). I say this because the boyfriend doesn’t smoke and only drinks occasionally. Haha! that's not true, he drinks a lot. If he didn’t love me, I’d say this would make me undateable to him hrhrhrhr.

3. I EAT A TON. This makes me less "desirable". It disappoints me big time. But IDC, like lover said, "It's okay as long as you manage to burn some fats.". See?

4. I laugh like crazy while slicin' and dicin' you with my sharp claws.

5. I'm gay and I have crazy friends.

Two things:
1. I've given up Sugar.  </3
This is me covering my face with the pillow. (Just woke up. aymUgly)




Spent lots of QT with my Bebe Love.

Tadaaaah! Lovers Happy Monster Foot.

So I am late again for blogging about my trip to Zambales. I spent two days and one night in a place devoid of any necessities (and what more, conveniences) offered by the modern world. It was my first time going on a camping type getaway. And if there's anything I learned about this weekend, it's that surviving in the wilderness on a remote island (with no electricity, no cellular connection, no cold drinks, no bed, no blog, no facebook, no instagraaaaam!) I had to save two pictures for my 365project just because i cant upload them. And yes I am not complaining.

We arrived in Pundaquit mid-afternoon. The boat rides and the barbaric Olongapo heat woke me up. I was on night shift, I took a nap and woke up half an hour before our designated meeting time. I’m good at being responsible. Despite being "early" we still consumed too much time waiting for the boylet of May before we left Manila. That guy acted like a VIP, being late for two hours. Oh boy.

Our first Stop: Capones! The island is small and looooooo-vely. White sand, amazing view, some rock formations and clear blue sea water.


After spending sometime in the water and sunning ourselves, we headed our way to our second and final stop: Anawangin.

Anawangin Cove is beautiful. The landscape is amazing: mountains, beach, pine trees, a river, a lake, foliage, and the clearest moonlit night sky. It all sounds cheesy until you get there, so shut up.

Unfortunately, everyone had the brilliant idea of going there the same weekend as us. The place was substantially peopled, much to our annoyance (because we’re greedy and we don’t particularly like showering in front of an ogling male crowd or sharing toilets with a hundred strangers), but it was an all right crowd. I guess. It’s not like we had a choice.

skills? WE HAV ‘EM

A lot of drinking and passing out occurs the first night. I, myself, finally passed out on a bench some time after the fifth bottle of the cheap brandy. I woke up, wet and freezing (still wearing the two piece with the cover up) not wondering where everyone else went and moved to my tent.

I was miraculously not hungover the next day.

Plans to hike the mountains were unsuccessful. It's nearing noon and the sun was unbearable. We hit the river instead. I like the river a lot, the trees and the mountain is just perfect. Not enough water to swim, though.

After some useless photos, we headed back the beach to hang out and to find 'em boyz. The weather was nice.

Not the beach obviously. Made me feel like Christmas time.

We met these cool people on the hot shore of Anawangin. We shared stories over three cases of Red Horse and wished we've met the very first night in the Island.


Tadaaaah! And that's my Bestfriend hooking up with Jeff having some FAKWAN. LOL

I end my vacation with a HUGE smile. Probably because this is the first out of town this year.
Had a little regret of not going to Nagsasa Cove. It's prettier there I heard. Maybe next time.

1.  I should enjoy the weekend. Im going to Anawangin dash Nagsasa dash Capones Island with S and friends. Yey! Well, not really a 'Yey' thing, im not really excited for reason i dont remember and unimportant and unnecessary. Am I still  making sense?

2. Today is not a good day. A few hours ago, yeah but now it's kinda IDK feeling. Maybe i was just too lazy to do anything (Im on shift btw. heh)

3. The boyfriend has this anguish feeling of not getting promoted this year and I am affected, OFKURZ. He has to be promoted otherwise our bebes would be starving.

4. I need to blog more about the most handsome, the unpredictable, the sexiest , the most wonderful and awesome bebe, AKA the boyfriend. And our bebes.

hehehe ang sarap isipin :) magiging happy family tayo :)

Torturous memories flash through my mind—the weekends, holding hands, kissing, the movies, his gentleness, his humor, and his dark, brooding, sexy stare. I miss him. It’s been fifty five days, fifty five days of agony that has felt like an eternity.
I wrap my arms around my body, hugging myself tightly, holding myself together. I miss him. I really miss him .
The last there words from this letter you wrote to me. I want you to say it, here, right now, in front of me. :(

I can't read whatever is there in your mind. if there's anything that bothers you, please don't turn into giving up in this relationship. i know you are confused with many things, preoccupied, overloaded, yet giving me this one surprise is definitely unacceptable when you think that i am incapable of making you happy. We both believe in each other that no matter how difficult things can be, they can still be ironed out by holding on and never letting go while believing that good things await at the end of line. I may be at times be perceived careless and irresponsible, but don't you think it's unfair to stick with the idea that i am that kind of person? I mean yes, there were times i was like what u exactly think, but as much as i am aware of it, i repay it with thoughtfulness and greatness of what i can do beyond my limit, above my capabilities. I cannot think of the best solution of this predicament you are going through your life now because i myself ask you questions whenever i would go through the same. What hurts me time and again is that whenever you needed me to be around and i wouldn't be there, you accuse me of being careless while i am thinking how i manage to be around as much as i could. I definitely know that you know the feeling of eagerly wanting to go but you couldn't. I may have allowed it to happen but it's against to my will. Please, please... may i just beg you to please for the nth time, don't let it end.. especially now.
ILOVEYOU.

Just a few hours ago i told another friend of mine what happened with me and the xboyfriend a month ago. It was a long story. I once posted the story here but i came to realize its not something i should post in public so i reverted it to draft. And just now, I've read this short story on S blog, it make sense, have sometime to read it.

Happy new year everyone!

I know! Iknow i am veeery late but its because the last few days leading up to new year were a bit busy. I hope everyone has a blast ringing 2012.

New year: New hopez n dreamz. I started doing my project 365 self portrait. Here are the first week of my 2013.

#1 - New years Eve

#2 - Im a Kitty

#3 - The IDK Face

#4 - sdfdjhed

#5 - Senyorita

#6 - Thin is IN

#7 - PinkDay